Day Three-No Man's LandMarch 6, 2002The New Mexico morning wasn't as bitter as we thought it would be. After a cup of nameless coffee and a dozen ghetto-brand doughnuts, we were on the road again. Driving the RV through treacherous winds is one thing, driving it through traffic is another, and driving it through treacherously windy morning traffic is an entirely different beast altogether. We called our fellow Trekkers on our Audiovox two-way radios but all of them pretended to ignore us, shunning our pleas to "wait up for us." So, we turned to other channels and listened to passing truckers and other miscellaneous radio personalities talking about the spectacle that was the "Trek to Texas" while our RV floated recklessly across lanes. Driving through vast expanses of desert is extremely boring, even if you're into the tourist attractions and local legendary landmarks. Sure, it was cool to see the attractions along Route 66-for about 2 seconds. After that, they were just boring restaurants again. To keep us entertained, we did a little bit of 12-volt tuning on the RV and hooked up the DVD player to broadcast throughout the cab and the passenger area. It's a little known secret, but Gary is the bastard child of MacGyver.
Along the way, we stopped by the Cadillac Ranch, which is just a big patch of dirt that has old Cadillacs sticking out of the ground. Why anyone would want to grow such a useless crop is beyond us, but we had to stop anyway-in the name of Trek unity. Most of us stayed in the RV or stood just outside, smoking our brains out (smoking was banned in the RV).
We also stopped at the monumental "Welcome to Texas" sign just inside the state line. This signaled our ostensible arrival into Texas territory, the land of steers and... beers. Of course, no beer was consumed inside the RV as our Trek was sponsored in part by RADD-Recording Artists/Actors/Athletes against Drunk Driving. Also because Texas' open container law would have sent us all to the Big House if anyone so much as cracked open a root beer. Since Gary has more skills than Bo Jackson, he decided to show off his "Climbing Monkey, Hidden Editor" skills and climbed up the big sign to check if the British were coming by land or by sea. Of course, we all knew that the British were fast asleep inside the RV, victims of their own slow metabolisms. See folks, even 10 years of living in Southern California can't cure you of that dreadful UK jet lag. Rise and shine, Jason-it's almost 3:30 p.m.
After we checked into our hotel for the night, the entire Trek conglomeration, including people we picked up along the way, ate dinner at The Big Texas. There was a 20-ft cow outside and one of the other magazine editors decided it was time to show off his milking skills. Mental note number one: Trying to milk a 20-ft fiberglass cow is an exercise in futility. Mental note number two: If it's your birthday, don't let The Big Texas staff know, else you find yourself standing on a table in front of the entire restaurant and dancing with salt and pepper shakers while everyone mumbles the words to the birthday song.
High Point: Watching "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back" on DVD.