Jens of Sweden24-Karat Gold Media Player
This is like having a grill like our favorite Texan Paul Wall. He's the people's champ and it shows. Personally I'd really like to have some flossy gold fronts like him, but the last thing this world needs in another white kid with the fashion stylings of Nelly. Luckily for me ,I can still let the ho's know that I'm a baller with my gold plated "Excentrique" edition media player. Now you can have your video, mp3 player, alarm, and FM radio in style.
Apple MacBook Pro
Great. Now the apple laptops are 60 times faster because they are cooled with New Coke. It is rumored that you can load the Windows operating system in the near future, which will be great when I get a desk job and waste my life doing spreadsheets and menial accounting tasks. Maybe Intel can help Apple with Font Book.
Motorola H5 Miniblue & H605 Bluetooth Headset
Holy cyborgs taking over LA. I was in Starbucks turning in a job application and every person in line had some sort of wireless headset. I personally think that they should come with faceguards, like the ones dental technicians wear to keep the spittle from getting in their eyes. If you have to use a headset at least use a good one from Motorola.
Cyber-shot DSC-N1 Digital Camera DS
Even though Sony still uses the word "cyber," we love them. How can you diss a company when the LCD screen for their camera is better than the TV I have in my apartment. I took some pictures of my neighbors making out in their car; they were pleased with the archive of over 500 images of them I'd taken over the last month and the 8.1 megapixel quality.
Sony NAV-U
Most of the time I use mapquest for directions to strip clubs, but usually have to sneak out of work early and leave them in the printer. This wouldn't be a problem, but I hate having to ask people at bus stops for directions. Sony now makes a navigation system for your car, which actually comes with pre-installed maps, self-dimming screen and crisp audio prompts. Captain Creams is on the right; your other right.
Treo 700
Treo and Windows Mobile together? That is like getting drunk in Mexico and waking up in jail with plastic bags for shoes and a tattoo of your sister naked.
NuMark CDX
Remember when you used to smoke weed and stay up all night spinning records, horribly juggling beats, and pretending you were a halfway decent dj? Then you had to go and get a job, undergo mandatory drug testing and a girlfriend, now you just look at dope equipment in catalogs and wonder what happened to your life. If you are still young, drop out of college now, buy the Numark CDX, and follow your dreams.
Bravia 46" LCD Television
I try to watch about thirty hours of TV a day. Nothing in particular really, mostly adult programming. And as many of you know, with pornography there are a lot of close-ups. Make sure you can see everything in the highest possible quality with Sony's 46-inch LCD. Sure the content makes you a little nauseous, but the clarity is impressive.
Gemini T-04 Direct Drive Turntable
When I was a kid I broke eight fingers at once when my hands were slammed in a car door. It is because of a drunken father that I can't type for shit and my turntable skills are laughable, so I'm forced to write this column instead of earning a living as a novelist. If you are thinking about procreating, remember that there isn't going to be any social security left to take care of you in the autumn years, and if you limit your children's avenues to have a widely successful and lucrative career as a musician you are to die broke and alone.
Xplod Amp
Explode. You think a company as big as Sony would have someone spell-checking their product names before they hit the market. Typos or not, the Xplod series still has the range to enjoy your polka hits and enough bass to rattle your hoodpins.
Motorola Music Duo
So my phone rings and I don't hear it because the music is too loud or the drugs have made me nod off again. Motorola makes this little ditty to turn down your ipod when you have a call. That is smart, now if they could just make something to turn the volume up when my girl starts talking.
Zire 31
Palm likes to keep things simple, which is good because I don't understand anything complex. Throwing aside my normal obsession for gadgets with technology I don't use, I'm going to actually cop one of these to keep track of my overdue bills and humus recipes.
Belkin TuneFM for iPod Nano
Play your iPod through any FM receiver. The best part about this one, compared to other products, is it doesn't require batteries and it scans multiple FM channels. The TuneFM is thoughtfully designed to match the look of the iPod Nano.