Creative Labs Nomad MuVo 4 GB MP3 Player
The new Creative Lab's MP3 Player will run through 64 hours of music before it runs out of batteries. If you had a job at Target, you could work a week without skipping a song. If you worked at Wal-Mart, you could work an entire lifetime before you got benefits.
T-Mobile Color Sidekick Phone
Color Sidekick! Like I didn't have enough problems keeping it in the lane on the freeway. Hit me on my Sidekick, I'll be the one swerving.
LEGO Metropolis
Kids are impressionable, that is why it is important to set the tone of paranoia early. LEGO forwards it's social consciousness of the youth by making toys that will teach them to question the motives of every van in the neighborhood. Also offered is the Surveillance Truck, just in case they are nave enough to believe they aren't being watched. LEGO has announced plans to release the Spy Satellite, CIA Operatives, and the U.S.-funded Coup d'tat later in the year.
Samsung E715 Phone (T-Mobile)
Samsung actually gets the point of having a camera phone; it enables you to keep a whole bunch of pictures of girls you hit on in bars. Although some of you wouldn't fill the thousand-image memory if you kept the phone until you were fifty, the entire staff of ImportTuner can easily pull down fifty girls in a long weekend. Well, maybe that's a lie, but you could always go to a car show or something.
TaggerTrap
This is a product offered by Traptec that "sensor identifies the ultrasonic signature of a spray can used by a graffiti artist." What happens next is lasers shoot out and burn your face, then you get tackled by a middle-aged security guard that gets off to Cops.
Samsung 21 Color Quad Monitor with 4 Security Cameras
No home is complete without heavy security. The Samsung will let you see what your roommates are up to, all with the cool clarity and video quality of top liquor stores nationwide. The split screen ensures you never miss a pizza.
Polaroid One Instant Camera
It is common knowledge that when you take your photos to be developed they send duplicate prints to the Illuminati for "processing." After that more prints are sent to the FBI, CIA, NASA and Pepsi, where you and your friends are labeled and catagorized in order to market hamburgers to you at the expense of the rain forests. Polaroid is the cog in the vicious cycle because there is no developing involved, however, please do not shake it.
Tag Huer Watches
I have never been able to keep a corporate job for more than a week, because I am a dirtbag and have a tendency to curse a lot. Maybe I would have lasted a couple weeks if I had a three-thousand dollar watch by Tag Huer. Maybe I would have then made a big paycheck and be driving a car with leather seats. Maybe I would then have a nice house in a good neighborhood, and then maybe I would have a hot chick. Maybe my bling would make people not notice that I am a damn dirtbag.
Graphic Novels
If you can't read, don't worry. We barely can and we work at a magazine. Graphic Novels are technically books; hell, they are called "novels" aren't they? But the genius of them is that they are basically long comic books, and that means pictures! Shown are a few that have been made into movies, so you'll already kind of know the characters, which a good thing.