Tony Hawk Book
As a kid a lot of people tell you a lot of crap, but one thing is true-when you become an adult you can be anything you want to be. Most of the people telling you that want you to be something that's boring, don't fall for their bullsh*t. Tony Hawk rides a skateboard, Jordan plays basketball, we drive fast cars. Just be true to what you want to do.
Mystery Skateboards
Skateboarding is the only way for kids to get a realistic feeling for what their future is going to be like in the import world. With a skateboard you can feel the effects of people looking at you like you are a punk, ridiculous harassment from authorities, massive amounts of unpaid tickets and the disapproval of your family. Enjoy the benefits, bitches.
Spitfire Wheels
Don't you love it when you can support the same company for your whole life? My mom only buys Joy dish soap and our mustard is always French's. For me Spitfire wheels have the same effect, I have been riding them since I was a kid and they still kill it.
Canon PowerShot S50 5MP Digital Camera
I'm a hypocrite. I will tell a person that smoking is horrible and then bum a cigarette off them. I will diss your driving right before I ask you for a ride to work. I will complain that people are flakes and never return a phone call. Cannon makes a camera that is cool, but still gets the job done.
Dance Pad Revolution X
Dance Pad Revolution is the best thing for fat girls. I saw some show on television where some cow lost six hundred pounds by spending all day dancing to some stupid video game. Now she is banging, and doesn't have to spend all day playing video games alone in an apartment. No question, I was a fiend for snacks and feed, DPR made the sweat on my thighs bead.
Panasonic SC-HT800V Progressive Scan DVD/VCR Home Theatre System
Remember kids: The things you own wind up owning you. That is fine, but don't pay attention to it too much, because the people that come up with whimsical statements like that are usually dirty hippies that eat their own stool. If I was going to be owned by a product, I hope it is this Panasonic Home Theatre, at least I'll sound good in my obscene consumerism.
Technics RPF550 DJ Headphones
It is common knowledge that Entertainment Editor Joel Marasigan is crazy. In addition to a twelve hundred-page manifesto, Joel has twenty-four patents currently being reviewed by the U.S. Government for possible military use. So when Joel tells you these Technics headphones are dope, you better go and cop some, even if later in the day he tells you he is moving into a shipping container in the Mohave Desert.
Technics SL1200-Gold Limited Edition Turntable
Gold is the new Platinum. To the novice stylo-bandito this might sound like a step back, but so did Shell Toes in '92-but while you were rocking Doc Martins the cool kids were holding fast to the roots, go ask Justin Warfield homie. This limited edition offering from Technics is for all you heads out there with the gold trimmed Toyota Camry.
Bam Belt Buckle (Element)
Bam is so cute. To all you pudgy kids out there with bad skin and a serious ADD problem, don't worry you'll be a m*therf*cking rock star by Christmas; don't worry you'll only lose popularity if you say anything too smart. Just remember that you are going to need a backup plan. Bam can skate really well, and you'll need a similar option. Try dentistry. Show your support for the guy and buy an Element belt buckle to keep your fat-pants up.
Black Label Wristband
The hardest part about making leather goods is finding the appropriate location to dry the skin. After slaughtering and gutting the cow, find a clean, dry location on the side of your apartment and nail the hide of the animal to it. After a couple of weeks, remove the leather and cut into strips as needed. If this isn't going to work, or your neighbors start complaining, you can find these from Black Label at your local skate shop. Then go throw the rest of that stinking hide on your neighbor's patio.